I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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