Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
