I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
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THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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