why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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