Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
