We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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