Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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