70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
