I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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