I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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