Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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