You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
