The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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