3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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