Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
