If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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