i just wanna soil my oats bro
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
