I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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