I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize