She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
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I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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