Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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