I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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