Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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