Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
