i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
