Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
