You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
