Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
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Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
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I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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