So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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