What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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