I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
sarcasm needs its own font
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
