I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just threw up on my dentist
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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