Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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