The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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