I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
