I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
