i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So many bounce houses so little time
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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