Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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