Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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