would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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