Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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