OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
