the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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