you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
