Is it because I queefed?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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