If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
