booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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