How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
