i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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