i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
