Got a toothbrush?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
