Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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