if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
