Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
