My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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