If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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