My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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