Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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