sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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