Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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