I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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