i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
